Spiritual Friendship: What It Is and How to Build One
Spiritual friendship is a relationship between two (or a few) people who have committed to helping one another follow Jesus. It is more than liking each other’s company. You pray together, listen honestly, share doubts and failures, and care enough to say the hard thing gently. It is one of the oldest practices of the Christian life, and one of the most neglected.
If you have ever sat in a church service, felt warmly greeted, and still gone home feeling unknown, this article is for you. We will look at where the idea comes from, what a spiritual friendship looks like week to week, why it is hard in a city like Canberra, and how to take the first step.
TL;DR
A spiritual friendship is a committed, mutual relationship centred on Jesus. It is not a mentor program, a counselling session or a social club.
The classic account comes from Aelred of Rievaulx in the 12th century, who separated friendships built on vice, on advantage, and on shared discipleship.
Healthy ones share a few habits: regular prayer, honest listening, simple agreed rules, and gentle accountability.
In a transient city, depth matters more than the number of acquaintances. Someone usually has to make the first move.
You do not need to be a “perfect” Christian to start. The friendship is where imperfection is held in love.
Table of Contents
What spiritual friendship actually is
Most of us have friends we enjoy and friends we rely on. A spiritual friend is a different category. The common thread is that Christ sits in the middle of the relationship, so each of you is pointing the other towards him rather than just towards each other.
One helpful description from the Quaker tradition says that spiritual friendships form when two people commit to supporting each other in spiritual growth. The word commit matters. It separates this from the easy warmth of a coffee catch-up. A spiritual friendship is intentional, and it is often long-term, running across months or years rather than a single season.
A few things it is not:
Not a counsellor. Your spiritual friend is not a substitute for professional pastoral care or mental health support. They offer the everyday, on-the-ground company that a counsellor or a Sunday sermon cannot.
Not an expert and a student. The sturdiest versions are built on equality. Neither person is superior, and both feel safe sharing failures as freely as victories.
Not spiritual direction. A comparison of the two practices shows that direction centres on one person’s attention to God with a trained listener, while spiritual friendship is a mutual relationship in which both people grow.
If you want the wider picture of what Christian fellowship means before narrowing to one friend, our guide to what Christian fellowship is and why it matters is a good companion.
Where the idea comes from
The phrase is most closely linked with Aelred of Rievaulx, a 12th-century Cistercian abbot in England who wrote a treatise on the subject. As summarised by the Dominican friars at English Op, Aelred described three kinds of friendship: carnal, which is rooted in vice; worldly, which is rooted in mutual advantage; and spiritual, which is rooted in shared discipleship. The third he treated as a kind of school of Christian love, where two people grow towards the likeness of God.
There is something bracing in that sorting. Aelred does not sneer at ordinary friendship. He simply asks what holds it together. If the glue is usefulness, the friendship ends when the usefulness does. If the glue is a shared love of Christ, it can survive a change of job, suburb or season.
He also insisted on testing our assumptions against Scripture. According to a reflection from the Methodist Church in Singapore, Aelred warned that culture tends to confuse romance or convenience with real love. That warning reads as freshly now as it did then.
Why Christians have valued it
The Bible gives us the shape of this long before Aelred. Proverbs says iron sharpens iron. Ecclesiastes says two are better than one, for if one falls, the other lifts him up. Jesus told his disciples, “I have called you friends” (John 15:15). Paul speaks of bearing one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2).
Theologians writing in the tradition of Aelred go further. In an article in Church Life Journal, spiritual friendship is presented as more than social comfort: it echoes the life of the Trinity, a community of love that is outward-facing rather than turned in on itself. We take that seriously. If God is himself a communion of persons, then friendship in Christ is not a side dish. It is part of the meal.
What it looks like week to week
People imagine something dramatic. In practice it is quite ordinary, which is part of its power.
Invite God into it. Begin by asking him to shape the friendship, not just by assuming he is pleased with it.
Pray together. Even five minutes, in person or over the phone, changes the tone of a conversation.
Listen more than you advise. The aim is to help the other person hear God, not to fix them.
Share the real stuff. Doubts, temptations, dry seasons. These are the things that casual acquaintances never hear.
Offer gentle observations. Accountability in this setting means noticing and naming, not policing.
Agree a few simple rules
One reflection on Aelred in Baptist Spirituality points to the value of clear, modest ground rules: how often you will meet, what stays confidential, and what you each hope to grow in. It sounds clinical, and it is a gift. Most friendships fade because nobody ever said what they were for.
A workable starting point might be:
Question | A simple answer to try |
How often? | Every second week, 45 to 60 minutes |
Where? | A walk around Lake Burley Griffin, a cafe, or a living room |
What stays private? | Everything said, unless someone is at risk of harm |
What do we do? | Check in, read a short passage, share, pray |
When do we review? | After three months: keep going, adjust or finish well |
The review point is important. It makes it easy to end gracefully, which in turn makes it easier to begin.
The surprising part: correction
People are often surprised that a spiritual friendship asks for correction as well as encouragement. That is the cost and the gift of being known well enough that someone can help you spot a blind spot. The reflections we have read agree that this stage can be painful but is the place where real growth happens. Practitioners often start by expecting mutual support, and then discover the friendship uncovers things in their character they had not seen.
If that sounds frightening, remember the safeguard: love comes first, and the correction is gentle. A friend who has prayed for you every fortnight for a year earns the right to say, “I wonder if you are avoiding something.”
Why it is hard in Canberra
Canberra is a city of arrivals and departures. Students come for three or four years. Public servants rotate in on postings. Defence families, diplomats, young professionals and newcomers from interstate and overseas fill the suburbs, and many leave again. That is a hard environment for deep friendship.
The national numbers show the stakes. The 2026 State of the Nation report on loneliness found 18% of 18 to 25 year olds reporting the highest loneliness, and found that regular participation in religious activity was associated with a 52% lower risk of loneliness and social isolation. The same report notes that having at least one close friend guards against loneliness and isolation. One close friend. That is a modest number, and a powerful one.
Local research points the same way. Capital Region Community Services describes Connect Up, which began as a 12-month research pilot led by the University of Canberra’s Health Research Institute, supporting 18 to 30 year olds in Belconnen to build meaningful social connections. Their reflections suggest that the answer to chronic loneliness is less about collecting acquaintances and more about deepening a few connections, in settings designed to help people move from showing up to genuinely belonging.
Three obstacles come up again and again:
Believing loneliness is your fault. It is far more often a product of circumstance: a new city, a new job, a changed season.
Waiting for the perfect community. It does not arrive. People who find lasting friendship usually step into an imperfect group and stay through the awkward first months.
Waiting to be asked. Almost always, someone has to make the first move. The fear of rejection is real, and it is usually bigger than the reality.
If you are carrying this right now, our short piece on four steps to feel less alone was written for you.
How to find a spiritual friend
You cannot manufacture chemistry, but you can create conditions for it.
Start in a small, repeated setting
Friendship grows where people meet regularly with something shared to do. A church small group, a serving team, a Bible reading group or a weekly meal are all good soil. You are not looking for a best friend at the first meeting. You are looking for the person whose honesty you notice, or who asks a second question after the polite one.
We have written more about how to cultivate church relationships that last, and about how small groups work from the leader’s side.
Look for these signs
They are on the same road. They are following Jesus, even if they are at a different place on it.
They are honest about themselves, not only about other people.
They keep confidences.
They are willing to be told something they do not want to hear, and to tell you.
They are not trying to be your rescuer, your guru or your project.
Make the first move, simply
You do not need a speech. Something like this is enough: “I’ve really enjoyed our group. Would you want to grab a coffee every couple of weeks and pray for each other? No pressure if it’s not a fit.” That sentence offers a rhythm, a purpose and an exit. It is hard to refuse kindly and easy to accept.
Do not wait until you are “ready”
The theologians we have read are consistent on one point: you do not have to be a polished Christian to begin. The friendship itself is meant to be the place where your imperfections are held and, over time, transformed. If you are waiting to be more spiritual before you seek a spiritual friend, you have the sequence the wrong way round.
When it goes wrong
Honest answers matter here, so let us name the common failures.
One person becomes the counsellor. If every conversation is about your crisis, it has slid into something else. That may be a sign you need a pastor, a counsellor or a doctor, and a friend can help you take that step. If you are struggling with your mental health or feel unsafe, speak to your GP or call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
It becomes a closed pair. Aelred’s tradition and the Church Life Journal piece both stress that Christian love is outward-focused. A good spiritual friendship sends you back into your family, church and neighbourhood with more to give, not less.
It drifts. Nobody quarrelled; you just stopped meeting. The ground rules and the three-month review exist to catch this early.
It stalls on comfort. If you only ever encourage each other, you may be avoiding the harder gift. Ask, “What am I not seeing?”
Our perspective
We did not plant Divergent Church to run a Sunday event. We believe the Church is a people, shaped by Scripture, centred on Jesus and lived out in ordinary life: in workplaces, universities, flats and neighbourhoods. That is why we keep returning to friendship. You cannot form a disciple in a car park conversation.
Canberra is our city, and we know its rhythms. We know the student who arrives in February knowing nobody, and the public servant who moved here for a posting and eats dinner alone. We have watched people sit in rows for months and leave unknown. That grieves us, because the kingdom was never meant to be a spectator sport.
So here is our conviction. Discipleship has always happened in the company of others, and the closest company is usually one or two people who know you well enough to pray for you by name. We see friendship as one of the ways the Spirit pours out perfume: slowly, in small rooms, often unnoticed. If you want to understand how this fits our wider vision, read what church is supposed to be and the role of discipleship.
And to the one who thinks they are too much of a mess: that is exactly who the friendship is for. Come as you are. Stay long enough to be known.
— Josh
Practices to grow a friendship you already have
Maybe you already have someone in mind. These small habits turn a good friendship into a spiritual one:
Read a short passage together. A Psalm or a few verses of a Gospel is enough. Ask what stands out and what troubles you.
Pray for something specific. Specific prayers invite specific honesty.
Ask better questions. Try “Where did you sense God this week?” and “Where did you resist him?”
Keep a Sabbath rhythm together. Share what rest looked like, or did not.
Serve side by side. Friendship deepens when you face outward together, as Saint-Exupery is quoted as saying that love is looking in the same direction, a line quoted by the Dominican friars.
For a wider set of daily rhythms, see our faith practices for daily life and the practical guide to deepening your spiritual life.
Finding a place to begin in Canberra
If you are new to the city, or new to faith, the best first step is often a community where friendship can grow at its own pace. Divergent Church serves people across Canberra and Queanbeyan, including students and new residents. You can explore our Grow page to see how to get involved, or read our guide to finding a supportive church community in Canberra.
If you already lead a group and need somewhere to meet, our spaces are available to book. The Board Room is $25 per hour, the Seminar Room is $50 per hour and the Auditorium is $70 per hour. You can see them all on our booking page.
FAQ
What is a spiritual friendship?
It is a mutual, committed relationship in which two people help each other follow Jesus. They pray, listen, share honestly and offer gentle accountability. Unlike a casual friendship, it is intentional and often lasts months or years.
How is a spiritual friend different from a mentor or counsellor?
A mentor or counsellor usually holds a role of guidance or expertise. A spiritual friend is an equal, and both people give and receive. A spiritual friend is also not a replacement for pastoral care or professional mental health support.
Do I need to be a strong Christian to have one?
No. The friendship is meant to be a place where weaknesses are held in love and slowly changed. What you need is a willingness to be honest and to follow Jesus, even imperfectly.
How often should we meet?
There is no fixed rule. Many pairs find a fortnightly rhythm of 45 to 60 minutes workable, and agreeing the frequency, confidentiality and goals at the start helps. Review after a few months and adjust.
What if I am lonely and do not know anyone?
Start small: join a regular group or serving team and keep turning up. Someone usually has to make the first move, and it may as well be you. If loneliness feels heavy or persistent, talk to your GP or call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
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